Dear friends,
I've been blessed with a flu-cold medley for the past three days, and had been given sick leave to spend resting in my room here at the orphanage. I say blessed because this leave gave me plenty of time to rest, read and meditate. During the first day of my sickness, though painfully slowly, I managed to tidy and clean my room and put it back into a healthy living environment. I also cleaned air by opening windows and turning on the fan, instead of the air conditioning, and picking a few tricks off google, I found that candles burn away all the smells in the room too, so I quickly went and bought some. I kept my windows open through the night as well, the trade-off was a few mosquito bites, but having a well ventilated room was more important. I slept most of that day.
The second day of sick leave, my sore throat worsened, but having slept most of the day before, I spent most of this day reading and drinking water. I drank 10 litres of water by the end of the day, and the sore throat didn't improved a single bit, but the flu I felt in the morning had been flushed from my system, which was good. So as a final attempt to flush the sore throat out, at 2am, I decided to rinse my throat thoroughly with a glass of salt water every two hours until it's gone. Miraculously after 4 rinses, and some appropriate cough drops, the pain in my throat started to cease.
And today, I'm still drinking, and rinsing, and the situation is improving steadily. Which is good. Now along with cleaning my room, and cleansing my system, I decided to fast, which made meditation a really good idea. I've learnt from previous experience that fasting really clears your mind and allow you to think of much more than just food, and in this case, when my throat is so sore, food was the last thing to come to my mind.
These last few days, and for the past several weeks, I've been praying and thinking about my future. And through several opportunities to witness in the past month, God seems to be trying to tell me something. My thoughts keep drifting back to the words of a visitor earlier this year, So Kam Mui, Sue. She told me that God had specifically told her to scold me for serving here, and that I didn't belong in a place like this. Her emphasis on this made me plainly mad when I myself have received confirmation from God, telling me that He wants me here this year. And yet, despite this difference of opinion, I sometimes wonder, if I would remember her words at all, if she hadn't been so forceful about it. Some of what she said had started to resonate in my mind these past few days, despite my still knowing that this commitment is God-given, I think her communication was also God-given.
She had said that her, with disabilities, and learning handicap, had been sent from God to serve here during her time, and that was meant to be, but me, put into this world, at this time, with this intellect, had no place in a lonely orphanage on the side of the road, doing work that had no use for someone like me at my age. It's work suited for much older people, that required less intellect. That everyone else had a reason to be here, but me.
Reflecting upon this now, I think she's quite right. Even so, I've committed to serve here for a year, and this commitment is still quite sound for me. I'm learning a lot about commitment, service, humility, patience, and love just by serving here, and through my reading, I'm learning a lot about Christ and about witnessing. So I feel that this is where I'm meant to be for this year. But my plans for next year remain uncertain. So I'll keep praying about that. Perhaps the Lord will reveal all these things to me in due time. In the meantime, I'm just thankful for all that He's taught me so far, and thankful for being led to become a better witness for His kingdom and His glory.
So dear friends, do continue to pray for my health, my witness, my service, my discipleship and my future. Thank you.
In Christ,
James
Sunday, 13 September 2009
Two good news and one concern
Dear friends,
I have two bits of news that I've been very excited about today and I have to share it with you! Firstly, one of my friends at the orphanage has come to accept Christ, and it excites me because I can be a part of this new part of her life! And I am thrilled! It took about one day for the news to sink in, but ever since the moment it sunk in, I've been excited about it! Praise Jesus! Praise God! It's also a really good bit of confirmation and acknowledgement from God, telling me that this is part of His purpose for me here at HOLF, and I'm just so thankful that He's chosen me to share in this experience with my friend. Thanks, Jesus!!
Now my second bit of good news came in a revelation this morning, when I forgot that it was Sunday because it's been so long since I've been to church, as I don't often have day offs on Sundays anymore. But then we do have a service here in Chinese and we do have Chinese praise songs, and a Chinese sermon every Sunday, and all sorts of different people turn up to take part of it every week. Now the sermon for today was really good, and I realised that I didn't need to be at "home" with a church to learn from the sermon, I just needed to listen with a willing heart. So the pastor got my attention, and I listened. The second part of the revelation came a little later when I thought about this, and how church here isn't bad at all. In fact, it's quite nice. I realised that it was such an advantage to be able to understand spoken Cantonese as well as spoken English, and here when the education level of the volunteers and workers are much lower than that of anywhere else I've worked/resided, it's much more apparent, and even though I can't read a lot of characters, I can still communicate with this language, and I've learnt not to take my "limited" Chinese for granted, because I'm much better off than most here. That and also my knowledge in Christ. There are Christians here that have been believers all their lives, but haven't had a chance to know Christ much deeper theologically than they had the first day they accepted Him, all their experience with Christ had been personal. But they've turned out to be very strong spiritually in their own way and very good people. Praise God for that. But also praise God that I am able to know more and understand more and communicate more, and this is furthermore leading me to think that God's given me these so that I can tell the masses about Him and His love for them. And I will, because that's what I've been given to work with, so I'll use the tools that He's given me to bring Him more glory!
So with this new insight, it's more like two and a half good news, rather than just two. And so wrapping up, there is one concern on my mind right. It's become apparent that I can't do anymore tutoring because my offs aren't always on the weekends, so I won't be able to give my students enough lessons, and won't be able to keep a consistent schedule. Good thing is that my mom is willing to take them, and lucky for them, because my mom is a really awesome teacher, but my concern is that my finances will take a heavy hit, because up until this month, my budget has been reached via both monthly giving from my friends, and from my tutoring, and the ratio's at half and half. So now, I'm down by quite a bit. So please pray about that. Thanks. I'm sure it's just a small issue, since God wants me here, He'll find a way to give me what I need to keep at this for a year.
Thanks for your time again. Hope to share more soon.
Yours in Christ,
James
I have two bits of news that I've been very excited about today and I have to share it with you! Firstly, one of my friends at the orphanage has come to accept Christ, and it excites me because I can be a part of this new part of her life! And I am thrilled! It took about one day for the news to sink in, but ever since the moment it sunk in, I've been excited about it! Praise Jesus! Praise God! It's also a really good bit of confirmation and acknowledgement from God, telling me that this is part of His purpose for me here at HOLF, and I'm just so thankful that He's chosen me to share in this experience with my friend. Thanks, Jesus!!
Now my second bit of good news came in a revelation this morning, when I forgot that it was Sunday because it's been so long since I've been to church, as I don't often have day offs on Sundays anymore. But then we do have a service here in Chinese and we do have Chinese praise songs, and a Chinese sermon every Sunday, and all sorts of different people turn up to take part of it every week. Now the sermon for today was really good, and I realised that I didn't need to be at "home" with a church to learn from the sermon, I just needed to listen with a willing heart. So the pastor got my attention, and I listened. The second part of the revelation came a little later when I thought about this, and how church here isn't bad at all. In fact, it's quite nice. I realised that it was such an advantage to be able to understand spoken Cantonese as well as spoken English, and here when the education level of the volunteers and workers are much lower than that of anywhere else I've worked/resided, it's much more apparent, and even though I can't read a lot of characters, I can still communicate with this language, and I've learnt not to take my "limited" Chinese for granted, because I'm much better off than most here. That and also my knowledge in Christ. There are Christians here that have been believers all their lives, but haven't had a chance to know Christ much deeper theologically than they had the first day they accepted Him, all their experience with Christ had been personal. But they've turned out to be very strong spiritually in their own way and very good people. Praise God for that. But also praise God that I am able to know more and understand more and communicate more, and this is furthermore leading me to think that God's given me these so that I can tell the masses about Him and His love for them. And I will, because that's what I've been given to work with, so I'll use the tools that He's given me to bring Him more glory!
So with this new insight, it's more like two and a half good news, rather than just two. And so wrapping up, there is one concern on my mind right. It's become apparent that I can't do anymore tutoring because my offs aren't always on the weekends, so I won't be able to give my students enough lessons, and won't be able to keep a consistent schedule. Good thing is that my mom is willing to take them, and lucky for them, because my mom is a really awesome teacher, but my concern is that my finances will take a heavy hit, because up until this month, my budget has been reached via both monthly giving from my friends, and from my tutoring, and the ratio's at half and half. So now, I'm down by quite a bit. So please pray about that. Thanks. I'm sure it's just a small issue, since God wants me here, He'll find a way to give me what I need to keep at this for a year.
Thanks for your time again. Hope to share more soon.
Yours in Christ,
James
Monday, 7 September 2009
The last few weeks
My dear friends,
The last few weeks had been a slow move from exciting summer time to not so exciting routine work time, as the volunteers fade away, and the more animated kids start schooling, work has become more routine and the pace of work has become much slower. There had been a lot of "moving" this month, moving from holiday mode to work mode, moving from our flat at home because of renovations, and moving to a new equilibrium on the social, personal and spiritual fronts.
Now that things are settling in at home and at "Home" and all the other young and single volunteers are gone, I've found more time to read books, and to do walks around the neighborhood as I've become more rested with good discipline on my personal health. I've decided to take a break from Philip Yancey and re-read Angels & Demons by Dan Brown. It's a nice brain thriller, and it's good for relaxing. During my neighborhood walks last week, I found some nice flowers, a nice neighborhood, a nifty but well-furnished corner store, an village temple, and a banana farm. The banana farm had a very vicious guard dog that gave me a bit of a scare, but I figured if my intentions are true, and if my God is protecting me, I won't get hurt. And I didn't. But it'll be a while before I venture around that area again. There are lots of dogs in the inner villages up the road, and a lot of interesting faces. It'll be nice to walk around more, and get to know the people.
A realization I had on the spiritual front today was that I can't keep telling myself that I'm here to serve God, because that doesn't get me anywhere. In fact, it mostly blocks the most important thing out of my spiritual life, the fact that I've been seeking to serve Him so much, often I forget that everything starts with simply seeking Him. Service is by no means more important than relationship, and what God wants most from us is to develop this personal relationship that He has given us through redemption in Jesus Christ, that's the whole point of His death on the cross! Seeking to serve Him isn't the point at all, seeking to know Him is the way of life, the way that I'm supposed to think and live. A collection of things awoke me to this fact. One of them was a story I heard in discipleship yesterday.
Jesus walked with a man along a path, and the man constantly asks questions, but Jesus stayed silent and didn't answer any of them. At the end of the walk, all of the man's questions were answered, not because Jesus told him, but because Jesus was with him and that experience was sufficient.
Sometimes we get so focused on questioning our way through spirituality, when we try to find meaning in all the little things that do or do not happen, when all we really need to do is wait till the whole experience passes, and just experience it and learn from it. We're constantly so impatient on God's lessons, it's a blessing that His patience is enough for all our "impatiences".
Another awakening I received this week is the fact that I've been practising favouritism, mostly because I am totally in love with Tung Tung, and would actually want to adopt her if God says it's His will that I do. But right now, I don't think that's how it's going to work, and she does have a lovely home here already, and God does have a plan for her. But this love is making me rethink the relationship I share with the other children, do I love them the same? Should I love them the same? I thought about what Tung Tung would say to me when we find each other in heaven, will she tell me she loves me and thanks for loving her so much? Would she dance for joy? Would she sing me a song of all the words that were in her heart but couldn't come out? Then I realised, whatever Tung Tung had to say, it won't be the most touching experience in heaven from the children here, it won't even be close. The most touching ones would be the ones where the children here would come to me and forgive me for all my trespasses when I've been impatient with them. All the times that I've been careless, and all the times that I simply forgot to care, forgot to love. It would be them that would make me fall to my knees for the longest, when they say they still love me and thank me for what little that I've done for them. After thinking of this, I think God defrost my heart once more, and allowed me to see the children with love again, and gave me a deeper concern for their emotional well-being.
And with these two awakenings, my prayer life seem to be finally back on track with praying not just for energy and health to care for the children, but for the children themselves, not just for the happenings of the day or the week, but for every little thing. For good rest at night, for sweet dreams, for waking up to joy and love, for healing, for forgiveness, for chances to love them more, and for more joyful times together. And also to thank God for them.
It's good that God's given me these realizations to strengthen me, as I don't have a lot of Sundays off, and it's good that He's got my back when I need more spiritual input. Though the good news is that the local missionary has started hosting a service here every Sunday, and it's quite good, but I haven't been able to participate in the worship, partly because the songs are in Chinese, and partly because I focus a lot on the children. This past Sunday, I've been trying to let go and trust God with them, and got to listen to a very good sermon about Peter.
So that's about it for this update. Thanks again for your time. My prayer requests are: i) thanksgiving for a smooth move for my family into their temporary flat, and thanksgiving for being able to spend some good quality time with my mom last week, ii) more prayers for consistent rest and balanced diet, iii) prayers for a steady spiritual journey towards God and seeking to know Him through loving as well as seeking Him through books, iv) more patience and more chances to love the children, v) continual prayers about Africa and for God to tell me how to approach serving Him there, and vi) pray for my preparations for my baptism, as I intend to get baptised during Christmas.
Thanks a bunch!! God bless!
Yours in Christ,
James
The last few weeks had been a slow move from exciting summer time to not so exciting routine work time, as the volunteers fade away, and the more animated kids start schooling, work has become more routine and the pace of work has become much slower. There had been a lot of "moving" this month, moving from holiday mode to work mode, moving from our flat at home because of renovations, and moving to a new equilibrium on the social, personal and spiritual fronts.
Now that things are settling in at home and at "Home" and all the other young and single volunteers are gone, I've found more time to read books, and to do walks around the neighborhood as I've become more rested with good discipline on my personal health. I've decided to take a break from Philip Yancey and re-read Angels & Demons by Dan Brown. It's a nice brain thriller, and it's good for relaxing. During my neighborhood walks last week, I found some nice flowers, a nice neighborhood, a nifty but well-furnished corner store, an village temple, and a banana farm. The banana farm had a very vicious guard dog that gave me a bit of a scare, but I figured if my intentions are true, and if my God is protecting me, I won't get hurt. And I didn't. But it'll be a while before I venture around that area again. There are lots of dogs in the inner villages up the road, and a lot of interesting faces. It'll be nice to walk around more, and get to know the people.
A realization I had on the spiritual front today was that I can't keep telling myself that I'm here to serve God, because that doesn't get me anywhere. In fact, it mostly blocks the most important thing out of my spiritual life, the fact that I've been seeking to serve Him so much, often I forget that everything starts with simply seeking Him. Service is by no means more important than relationship, and what God wants most from us is to develop this personal relationship that He has given us through redemption in Jesus Christ, that's the whole point of His death on the cross! Seeking to serve Him isn't the point at all, seeking to know Him is the way of life, the way that I'm supposed to think and live. A collection of things awoke me to this fact. One of them was a story I heard in discipleship yesterday.
Jesus walked with a man along a path, and the man constantly asks questions, but Jesus stayed silent and didn't answer any of them. At the end of the walk, all of the man's questions were answered, not because Jesus told him, but because Jesus was with him and that experience was sufficient.
Sometimes we get so focused on questioning our way through spirituality, when we try to find meaning in all the little things that do or do not happen, when all we really need to do is wait till the whole experience passes, and just experience it and learn from it. We're constantly so impatient on God's lessons, it's a blessing that His patience is enough for all our "impatiences".
Another awakening I received this week is the fact that I've been practising favouritism, mostly because I am totally in love with Tung Tung, and would actually want to adopt her if God says it's His will that I do. But right now, I don't think that's how it's going to work, and she does have a lovely home here already, and God does have a plan for her. But this love is making me rethink the relationship I share with the other children, do I love them the same? Should I love them the same? I thought about what Tung Tung would say to me when we find each other in heaven, will she tell me she loves me and thanks for loving her so much? Would she dance for joy? Would she sing me a song of all the words that were in her heart but couldn't come out? Then I realised, whatever Tung Tung had to say, it won't be the most touching experience in heaven from the children here, it won't even be close. The most touching ones would be the ones where the children here would come to me and forgive me for all my trespasses when I've been impatient with them. All the times that I've been careless, and all the times that I simply forgot to care, forgot to love. It would be them that would make me fall to my knees for the longest, when they say they still love me and thank me for what little that I've done for them. After thinking of this, I think God defrost my heart once more, and allowed me to see the children with love again, and gave me a deeper concern for their emotional well-being.
And with these two awakenings, my prayer life seem to be finally back on track with praying not just for energy and health to care for the children, but for the children themselves, not just for the happenings of the day or the week, but for every little thing. For good rest at night, for sweet dreams, for waking up to joy and love, for healing, for forgiveness, for chances to love them more, and for more joyful times together. And also to thank God for them.
It's good that God's given me these realizations to strengthen me, as I don't have a lot of Sundays off, and it's good that He's got my back when I need more spiritual input. Though the good news is that the local missionary has started hosting a service here every Sunday, and it's quite good, but I haven't been able to participate in the worship, partly because the songs are in Chinese, and partly because I focus a lot on the children. This past Sunday, I've been trying to let go and trust God with them, and got to listen to a very good sermon about Peter.
So that's about it for this update. Thanks again for your time. My prayer requests are: i) thanksgiving for a smooth move for my family into their temporary flat, and thanksgiving for being able to spend some good quality time with my mom last week, ii) more prayers for consistent rest and balanced diet, iii) prayers for a steady spiritual journey towards God and seeking to know Him through loving as well as seeking Him through books, iv) more patience and more chances to love the children, v) continual prayers about Africa and for God to tell me how to approach serving Him there, and vi) pray for my preparations for my baptism, as I intend to get baptised during Christmas.
Thanks a bunch!! God bless!
Yours in Christ,
James
Saturday, 5 September 2009
A little song
I love you, my precious Tung Tung, more than anything,
I love you, my precious Tung Tung, more than anyone.
I love you, my precious Tung Tung, more and more I do,
but my Jesus, my Jesus, He loves you more than I do.
(inspired by Aunty Val's song for Ivan: Jesus loves Ivan, Jesus loves Ivan, Jesus loves Ivan, I love Ivan too.)
I love you, my precious Tung Tung, more than anyone.
I love you, my precious Tung Tung, more and more I do,
but my Jesus, my Jesus, He loves you more than I do.
(inspired by Aunty Val's song for Ivan: Jesus loves Ivan, Jesus loves Ivan, Jesus loves Ivan, I love Ivan too.)
Saturday, 15 August 2009
Thanksgiving and prayers.
Dear friends,
Thank you for your prayer support so far. I am very grateful that when I'm too tired to pray long prayers at the end of some days, that someone has me covered. I have some news and some more prayer requests for this update, but I'll keep this short because it's been a busy fortnight and I haven't had time to formulate my thoughts yet.
The good news is: Pui Yee has decided to let me stay on for another 10 months, so together with my first two months here, I'll have a year's work at HOLF.
The prayer requests are as follows:
1. Wing Kit had some cramps and spasms today, so please pray that it's only from fatigue, and that it's nothing serious. He's been very aggitated and unhappy because of it, I hope it passes by soon, and he can be his healthy self again. Pui Yee also received a few injuries this week from falling, please pray for her healing.
2. My family is moving, and I only have this Sunday left to pack, so pray that I can pack on time, so that my family doesn't have to finish up for me. And pray that the move will go smoothly and nothing will be damaged or will go missing. Also pray for the renovations on the house, and give the workmen clarity in mind and energy and focus, so that they can fix our house up to last another few decades.
3. Pray for my health as I continue my work at HOLF, and also pray for my future, as I continue to seek God's will about it. Also pray for my financial situation, I'm still short by quite a bit, so pray that God will provide and that I will recognise it when He does.
4. Also give thanks that things are going smoothly at HOLF, and all the kids are quite healthy, and Tung Tung is very joyful, blessed and loved, as with all the other kids too. And also, there's been some opportunities to witness to non-believers, and that has been going great. With much thanks to The Jesus I Never Knew, and Holy Conversation.
That's it for now, dear friends. Thank you again for your time, love and prayers.
God bless,
James
Thank you for your prayer support so far. I am very grateful that when I'm too tired to pray long prayers at the end of some days, that someone has me covered. I have some news and some more prayer requests for this update, but I'll keep this short because it's been a busy fortnight and I haven't had time to formulate my thoughts yet.
The good news is: Pui Yee has decided to let me stay on for another 10 months, so together with my first two months here, I'll have a year's work at HOLF.
The prayer requests are as follows:
1. Wing Kit had some cramps and spasms today, so please pray that it's only from fatigue, and that it's nothing serious. He's been very aggitated and unhappy because of it, I hope it passes by soon, and he can be his healthy self again. Pui Yee also received a few injuries this week from falling, please pray for her healing.
2. My family is moving, and I only have this Sunday left to pack, so pray that I can pack on time, so that my family doesn't have to finish up for me. And pray that the move will go smoothly and nothing will be damaged or will go missing. Also pray for the renovations on the house, and give the workmen clarity in mind and energy and focus, so that they can fix our house up to last another few decades.
3. Pray for my health as I continue my work at HOLF, and also pray for my future, as I continue to seek God's will about it. Also pray for my financial situation, I'm still short by quite a bit, so pray that God will provide and that I will recognise it when He does.
4. Also give thanks that things are going smoothly at HOLF, and all the kids are quite healthy, and Tung Tung is very joyful, blessed and loved, as with all the other kids too. And also, there's been some opportunities to witness to non-believers, and that has been going great. With much thanks to The Jesus I Never Knew, and Holy Conversation.
That's it for now, dear friends. Thank you again for your time, love and prayers.
God bless,
James
Tuesday, 11 August 2009
Nobody.
When Jesus came into this world, He didn't come as a He, but only as an it. A tiny embryo that was destined to become a baby born in a manger in the middle of nowhere.
If there is ever a humble God, our God would be it. When His incarnation came to this world, he came alone. He grew up in Nazareth, which is a tiny village in the outskirts of Israel, where the lowly and very under-privileged lived. It was a ghetto, as his countrymen would put it, "Nazareth! Can anything good come from there?" He grew up with people with no power, no wealth, no rights, no existence.. himself being one of them.
God knew the meaning of humility when He sent Jesus to this world.. to live in it, and to save by it. Humility in Jesus is the best witness of God's Grace. Jesus came from the humblest background, he was a nobody. The only reason why he's famous is because he fulfilled God's plan for him. He was the lamb for the slaughter, and it was the slaughter that had been famous and the lamb because of it. Noone remembers Jesus' face, there aren't any portraits, he was just the lamb. Though he is God's son, he was just the lamb. A truly humble life doesn't shout "me" in its wake, it whispers "God", and that whisper creates just enough ripples for God to work with. Notice that there wasn't a remarkable 100% conversion after Christ's death, just ripples.
So.. what does it mean to be Christ's ripple? What does it mean to become a faintest shadow of a nobody? This troubled my mind this week as I realised that despite being one of the 8 billion people in this world, I still think I can become great in His plan for me. I still try to take credit for things, and I still hope to be recognised in the streets. I find it utmost frustrating when I still expect people to compliment me on my work, and be interested in it. Am I even ready to do this work? Am I ready to become a nobody? Am I ready to not be remembered, not be seen, not be stopped and talked to in the mall? Am I ready to not take any glory for myself? Am I ready to not ever receive compliments for "me" ever again?
I love my God, and so I know my answer to all those questions is a firm "yes". Because I don't want God's blessings to stop at just compliments from people, I don't want my life to shout "me" ever again, I want it to whisper "Jesus", over and over again. I want to be a ripple, I want to be a nobody. In the end, what matters most to me isn't whether someone will remember my face because of what I said about God, but to remember how God impacted their lives through some guy whose name wasn't important.
It gives me great peace to come to that conclusion, because I know that it's okay not to be remembered, it just means that I'm doing my job right as a ripple of Jesus.
If there is ever a humble God, our God would be it. When His incarnation came to this world, he came alone. He grew up in Nazareth, which is a tiny village in the outskirts of Israel, where the lowly and very under-privileged lived. It was a ghetto, as his countrymen would put it, "Nazareth! Can anything good come from there?" He grew up with people with no power, no wealth, no rights, no existence.. himself being one of them.
God knew the meaning of humility when He sent Jesus to this world.. to live in it, and to save by it. Humility in Jesus is the best witness of God's Grace. Jesus came from the humblest background, he was a nobody. The only reason why he's famous is because he fulfilled God's plan for him. He was the lamb for the slaughter, and it was the slaughter that had been famous and the lamb because of it. Noone remembers Jesus' face, there aren't any portraits, he was just the lamb. Though he is God's son, he was just the lamb. A truly humble life doesn't shout "me" in its wake, it whispers "God", and that whisper creates just enough ripples for God to work with. Notice that there wasn't a remarkable 100% conversion after Christ's death, just ripples.
So.. what does it mean to be Christ's ripple? What does it mean to become a faintest shadow of a nobody? This troubled my mind this week as I realised that despite being one of the 8 billion people in this world, I still think I can become great in His plan for me. I still try to take credit for things, and I still hope to be recognised in the streets. I find it utmost frustrating when I still expect people to compliment me on my work, and be interested in it. Am I even ready to do this work? Am I ready to become a nobody? Am I ready to not be remembered, not be seen, not be stopped and talked to in the mall? Am I ready to not take any glory for myself? Am I ready to not ever receive compliments for "me" ever again?
I love my God, and so I know my answer to all those questions is a firm "yes". Because I don't want God's blessings to stop at just compliments from people, I don't want my life to shout "me" ever again, I want it to whisper "Jesus", over and over again. I want to be a ripple, I want to be a nobody. In the end, what matters most to me isn't whether someone will remember my face because of what I said about God, but to remember how God impacted their lives through some guy whose name wasn't important.
It gives me great peace to come to that conclusion, because I know that it's okay not to be remembered, it just means that I'm doing my job right as a ripple of Jesus.
Wednesday, 5 August 2009
From love to more love.
Dear Friends,
I have very joyful news to share with you today. I've finally come to know and love every single child in the boys' special unit, so I decided that you should get to know them too! It's been a pretty long journey up to here, and I am proud to say that I've finally made it, but I wouldn't be here unless if God had opened my heart and soul to receive what I would normally not be able to receive... the returned love from these special kids.
These kids are so different from us, and from one another. They each live in their own world, and are receptive to different stimuli. They have their own way of receiving love and their own way of returning it. So it takes a lot of grace and patience just to learn to love them. I am so thankful that I've finally made a breakthrough with this one last kid that I was finding really hard to love. And for this, I am glad.
It reminds me of a quote from the animated Grinch movie:
So here's a bit about the boys, listed in the order in which I learnt to love them.
I have very joyful news to share with you today. I've finally come to know and love every single child in the boys' special unit, so I decided that you should get to know them too! It's been a pretty long journey up to here, and I am proud to say that I've finally made it, but I wouldn't be here unless if God had opened my heart and soul to receive what I would normally not be able to receive... the returned love from these special kids.
These kids are so different from us, and from one another. They each live in their own world, and are receptive to different stimuli. They have their own way of receiving love and their own way of returning it. So it takes a lot of grace and patience just to learn to love them. I am so thankful that I've finally made a breakthrough with this one last kid that I was finding really hard to love. And for this, I am glad.
It reminds me of a quote from the animated Grinch movie:
"And what happened then...? Well...in Who-ville they say
That the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day!
And then the true meaning of Christmas came through,
And the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinches… plus two."
I can really feel that through these last two months of working here, God has shown me step by step how to love from scratch, and has yanked, pushed and pulled, and twisted and stretched my heart to its new size, though not three sizes up, but at least two. I don't think I can ever go back to teaching privileged children again, not even children that have fully functional arms and legs and bodies. I can't see a happy child on the street dancing in his cute kitty raincoat without sighing and thinking how oblivious this child is to the joy of being able to move, let alone dance in the rain! But in view of what God is calling me to do in the future, it all makes sense for my heart and passion to be directed towards loving and serving less privileged children.
So here's a bit about the boys, listed in the order in which I learnt to love them.
Che Kin - age 40+, likes to give high fives, yank unexpected people's hair, pull his clothes over his nose and slap it, take off his clothes, slam doors, and flap his arms like a chicken.
He's the easiest to take care of. He eats and drinks by himself, takes off his clothes, brushes his teeth, and even walks by himself. He never complains and loves to give high fives, but is almost blind and needs a guiding hand in everything. He's really cute and cooperative, so it's easy to like him.
Wing Kit - age 40+, nicknamed The Grumpy Old Man, likes to eat, and pinch people. Dislikes drinking, people touching him, and everything else possible.
He's the only one that ever says anything, even though most of it is in his own language, but at least they sound like words, and sometimes they have meaning. He speaks the most when he's upset, and he has an assortment of inappropriate vocabulary that someone in the past must have taught him to use when he's totally pissed off, which happens when we feed him water and clean his private parts. He's very protective about that, unlike Che Kin who loves being naked and can't see why not. (literally!) He pinches people when he likes them, and pinches people harder when he doesn't. He can see very well and he loves food, and understands what's going on in the room, especially if there's food around. If you eat near him, and not give him any, he will move his chair towards you and give you a very angry and jealous stare. He also bites himself when he's anxious. I guess he's easy to love once you get to know his likes and dislikes, and how to work with him without hurting either yourself or him, and he's quite cute, as he speaks and has signature moves. (which can clearly apply to all of them.)
Tak Tak - age 21, likes food, chewing holes into his clothes, twirling strings around his fingers till they turn purple, rhythmic music, mild tickling and pretty girls. Dislikes water, and people who forces him to drink water.
He is hyperactive and he drools all day long. His diaper is really hard to change if you can't keep him from bouncing all over his "cage". But he's really easy to feed and has this funny goofy smile. Once you get over the fact that you'll get soaked if you be with him (sitting on his bed will wet your pants), then he's pretty fun to be with. He bounces whenever he gets hyped, and that's all the time, and he makes funny sounds with his saliva and grinds his teeth. He makes chewing sounds whenever he eats. He's also really cute, and stares at this one pretty nurse whenever she's in the room, and it's funny to watch. He also doesn't like drinking, but depending on how often you feed him, and what mood he's in, he can choose to swallow very quickly on his own according.
Emmanuel - age 11, likes music, sounds, funny noises, swimming, bathing and playing the piano. Dislikes food and drinks.
He's really small, and everyone who takes care of him treats him like a very spoiled little prince. And he's very spoiled indeed. He's really hard to feed, and I can't feed him more than 3 bites before he cries and completely clamps shut his lips and teeth. He also laughs when he knows he's won the fight. He loves swimming, he loves bathing, and he dances to music and plays with his own bells and maracas. He can't see very well, but he can see blurs. He requires physiotherapy exercises which we have to do for him, and taking care of him is very tiring. But if you're not the one stuck with feeding him, it's usually quite joyful to be with him.
Fu Fu age 50+, likes some foods and drinks, gentle music, and simple compliments. Dislikes being fed against his will, drinking water, drinking sour prune juice.
He has spasms all the time, and can't eat solid food, so everything that goes down his throat has to be in thickened liquid form, and he can choke and spit, and splatter it all over you while you're feeding him, and ruin some pretty good shirts. He takes a long time to feed, and will make a very big mess if you try to slip food into him before he's ready to swallow. Feeding him too quickly will ruin his mood and make him spit out everything. He poos in bed every other day, and isn't very interactive. It took a whole week of feeding him for me to learn how to feed him and how to communicate with him, and also learn of his softer side, the side that can be joyful if given enough time and patience. And the fact that he doesn't always spits it out or spill it, he only does it involuntarily or when you've upsetted him. He can be quite easy to feed if you wait on him to open his mouth and stick out his tongue.
Ivan - age 16, likes sitting next to the TV, lots of attention, and massages. Dislikes loud music, noise, uncomfortable sitting/lying postures, and being left alone.
He can't move most of his body, and lies in a wheelchair all day long next to the TV. He cries whenever his choice of music isn't playing, and whenever he's wet or uncomfortable. He doesn't do much else. He can't eat, so he drinks through a tube attached to his belly. His body is deformed, and he has extra rows of teeth, and very bad breath. He's heavy, he can't move, he can't interact, and it's really hard to put clothes on him, and so easy to leave alone and walk away. He makes us all listen to his choice of music. He's been really hard to love because I don't know how to make him comfortable, and I don't like his choice of music. Nor did I have the patience to massage him and talk to him. Not until last week, I did not have the patience to love him.
So how did I learn to love him? By spending lots and lots of time with him. Instead of spending time with my beloved Tung Tung, after discovering that Tung Tung loves Disney and Ivan doesn't, I decided to take Ivan out for walks in the garden, and spend hours in the bedroom with Ivan helping him to become comfortable, talking to him and massaging his body, so that Tung Tung can watch TV. And for the first 5 days, it's Tung Tung's distant cries of joy and jubilee that's been keeping me going, but for the last few days, I haven't been intentional about keeping Ivan out of the way, rather I enjoyed spending some nice quiet time with Ivan whenever possible, so if ever, he feels uncomfortable in the living room, I would take him on garden walks, and spend time adjusting the cushions on his bed to make him comfortable, so that I can keep talking to him and massaging his sore limbs. Somewhere along the way, I realised that Ivan was simply a lonely kid who needs just as much love as anyone else, and is stuck in a very uncomfortable position that makes his body sore all the time. So I decided, I would be the one to love this kid more so that he can know love the way that everyone else does. He's now my favourite boy, not because he's obedient or fun to be with, simply because he needs me.
So to end, I share with you the words of my favourite colleague back in DBSPD -
"I love every single one of them, but [Ivan] I love even more."
And it makes me wonder.. how close is this love to the Lord's love for us? He doesn't love us because we have something to offer, He loves us because we'd be so lost in purpose and meaning if we don't have Him. He loves us because He loves us. That's all there is to it.
Dear friends, thank you once again for sharing your time with me through this journey of mine. Please continue to pray for my service here and for being allowed to continue for a year after my probation is over, and also pray for health, and clarity in mind as I plan what to do next, and as I deal with everything that I have to deal with at HOLF, at home, and everywhere else. Also pray for the hearts that I'll be sharing my life with, and pray for radical awakenings, because my work isn't just with the orphans, my work is to bear witness to the great love of our Lord Jesus Christ, who came to earth and died on the cross for us, so that we can share a personal connection with our God.
Peace.
James
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