Calling and Direction (Part 1)

It's funny seeing how God's plan for me line up in my life even before I became a Christian. His thoughts for me started even before Creation. It's a concept that's so hard to grasp, it's something that you'd repeat to yourself when you're down in a valley and try to believe, but when I look back now, I really do believe that He's got it all lined up for me. Beginning to end, past to present, and present to future. I would never have imagined to be given this calling at any point of my life.

Let's start at the beginning. I am born with a genetic disorder, Klinefelter Syndrome. I have a weaker body, a weaker mind, and some autistic symptoms. It's the struggle of my life. I can't read social cues, I can't lift and look buff, and I can't focus for more than 10 minutes! All my life, I've been trying to explain for myself, explain why I can't do this, or why I can't do that. I tried explaining for God too, how this would be my life's struggle and God would never give me anything else, that I would have the faith of an ox and never struggle with anything else in the world. How far wrong was I =P To top it off, my medicine throws me into a hormonal cyclone, where my physical body can't keep up and keeps on getting sick, and my emotions make a screaming banshee feel like a hummingbird, and my self-worth and self-acceptance comes down to accepting these as my permanent situation. That I would never be better. That I am made this way.

I got lucky in high school, I went to an international school where the curriculum was more balanced than the local one, so my grades in comparison were better, though I really didn't know how to study. My parents had put all their hopes and dreams into my education that they would punish me for not being excellent, for not focusing, for not doing my best in school. Was I really naughty? I did not know. But I ended up with average grades when compared to my peers in that school, but they were good enough to get me into any university here. Even when I failed at university, these old grades still gave me a chance at others.

I am gifted in language. I grew up speaking English, international school, international church. It's the one language I am literate in. But on paper, I received a D initially, and in comparison with first language English users, there are lots that I don't know. Nevertheless, it was the one thing I was good at in Hong Kong. The one thing that they acknowledged far beyond common sense: the natural international accent. They can't tell where I'm from, but they can tell, I've spoken this language in context. So after failing my attempts to get a Mathematics and Physics degree, and an Accounting degree, I've finally settled with English in second language teaching, primary school stream.

I had drifted away from God at that point, so the plan was simple: study for 4 years, and make up for the salary gap between what my peers were making and what I should have been making if I had progressed similarly. And it should be easy, being a native speaker of English and all. Funny thing, it was anything but easy, I'm in my third year now, and I am struggling with the workload, but somehow I made it past the last two years, I'm going to keep trying because if I fall now, I don't know how I'll get up again. But now, I also have God's assurance that I should be able to do all these things if I keep my life balanced. It would have been impossible if He hadn't done some healing over my condition and if I hadn't made the choice to be mediocre by rejecting modern medicine and turning to God to take care of the rest.

What God helped me change were my self-image, my perspective on my situation, and He took away quite a lot of the hurt that I had wrapped myself in to justify the things that I was going through. He had unravelled me in such a strong, yet gentle manner. I still have Klinefelter, I still struggle with all these, save for the medical complications, but I am now very open to God's transforming power. It'll still call for a lot of work, but I believe through humility, God will help me overcome all of these things. And now that I know my calling, I know He's going to do even more with me.